I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
