I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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