In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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