Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
