Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
