I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
