Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
