Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Randomize
