When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
