So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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