I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
