Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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