Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
