upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
ttyl tear gas
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
