I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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