I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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