My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
My dick has a subreddit
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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