nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
