My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
