your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
