yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
