I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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