the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
