Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
