i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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