I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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