you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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