You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
