I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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