ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
