I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
