Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
