Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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