WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
