I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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