I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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