Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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