So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
