a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
