Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
