I would go down on you faster than GM stock
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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