atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Randomize