I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
