dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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