It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
