Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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