hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
