The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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