Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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