Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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