So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
