Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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