The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
