Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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