i just made my gag reflex go away.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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