Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
