im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
